Playing the Field?

So lately a few friends have been getting on me for losing focus on the blog. In their mind, I've gone soft. Being in a relationship has changed my tune about getting with girls, and living it up in college, and my once useful insight have lost their perspective. Since I respect the opinion of my readers, especially my bros, I have decided it is important to get back to my supposed roots. In order to do this, I'll tell the story of one of my most adamant friends, so that he can attempt to show how I've got it all it screwed up. He has been through the "serious" relationship thing, and now is playing the field. Let's see what he's got.

I'm bullshitting in my dorm with this particular friend right now and he is outlining his relationship with his long-term babe. Things started innocently enough; met at a high school party, hooked up, saw each other again, and things went from there. A good connection was formulated, but my friend had one main focus: sex. Now, it is hard to fault him for this. He was 17, and to put it mildly, thought about it from time to time. He admits that the relationship was good for a while (they dated for more than a year) and he believes he loved her for a period. Unfortunately, despite all of this, his view has still been tainted. He contends that 99% of the time, guys at our age date for the sexual aspects of the relationship. In his mind, things such as conversation and emotional connection are depleted once sex is involved.

With this in mind, he has decided to play the field. Why risk hurting someone, when in his mind things are doomed from the beginning? He argues that playing the field allows one to meet a lot of babes without becoming attached. One can practice picking up girls, and not worry about the results, especially when there is always another to move on to. The idea of talking to a different girl every weekend intrigues him, and gives him plenty of reason to party...and party often.

Of course, this is a fairly pessimistic view of relationships. In my opinion this is fairly common following a long-term commitment to someone. The individual wants to escape confinement; they yearn for "freedom." However, it is of course something to consider. I never discredit anyone's opinion, especially when they have different experiences from my own. It is important that this blog discuss a variety of ideas, and that it appeals to a multitude of readers. So with that all I can say is read everything openly: consider what is said, and choose what is best for you.

The Wingman

There was a time when the thought of playing the role of wingman horrified me. Why on earth would you ever set someone up to get with a girl, when you could have her for yourself? The idea always mystified me, and because of that I never took the position of second in command, especially when I was more than capable of being the leader. Of course, my relationship status has changed, and with it my role has as well. Something else unusual has developed as well: I'm actually embracing it. Being wingman allows one to stand back from the action and simply observe. Girls reactions and tendencies are more obvious when you are not in the thick of things. Because of this, you are much more capable of fixing slight slip-ups that might be made when talking with a group of girls. For example, when not particularly interested in hooking up with any of the babes present, one can mediate the conversation. Monitor the flow, and step in to smooth things over when necessary. Some may find this dull, but I love to observe others around me. I have found that it is vital in picking up girls, and even the slightest sign can give you a huge advantage in pursuing someone. I have turned observation into a type of art, and being wingman allows me to hone this skill.

The other thing that I find particularly thrilling, is not giving a damn. To be quite frank, its satisfying to party and have no desire to take a girl home with you. That might sound slightly weird, but it allows you to actually get to know someone, which is unusual in the college party scene. My effort in the conversations tend to vary. Sometimes I want to have an actual chat, and others I amuse myself just dicking around. I try different personalities. Sometimes I will act aloof, or be sarcastic as hell. Whatever it is I choose, I love to watch a girl be completely confused about who I actually am. In a sense, in these moments, I act like I have always secretly wanted to: above it all.

I think it is important that every guy try out the role of wingman. Go out with friends and rotate who will take the lead, and who will take a step back. By sacrificing one night, you will make great strides in the long run. You will become more aware. You will be more capable and comfortable in various situations. Essentially, you will become better at picking up babes. By stepping aside, you allow yourself to develop and flourish in a stress-free environment. In order to get the girl you really want, you must know what to do, and in order to get to that level you must practice. Embrace it.

Meeting the Parents

Its hard to have a blog giving advice and sharing stories on the opposite sex and not discuss one of the most important facets to any relationship: meeting the parents. Now, in just about every imaginable case, the first introduction to your babe's parents is a bit intimidating. There is a reason why society has painted it in movies like Meet the Parents as a total disaster, and its popularity (see the several sequels) is obvious. As a culture we love melodrama, and to watch a young man crumble staring into the unforgiving eyes of his girlfriend's father is fairly humorous. The key is to not let yourself be in that situation. You want to be confident and charismatic, yet restrained. Stay within yourself, and don't let the conversation become bigger than what you are comfortable with. Obviously, many questions will be thrown at you in a short period, and while its important to answer all of them, learn to deflect them. For example, find something that you can easily talk about with the father. I usually try to center the conversation around sports since I am well versed in that topic, but it can really be about any common subject. If done successfully, everything will become easier, and more relaxed. It will feel less like a business interview and more like an actual conversation.

I always find that once this particular skill is mastered, the rest is easy. Capturing the father's attention is the vital piece. The next step is to work on the mother. Now this is where I, in my humble opinion, work my charm. What I have found to be most important is observation. Take in your surroundings, and comment on them when necessary. Women love details, and a simple observation on a fixture in the house, or a bouquet of flowers sitting on the table, will make this woman realize exactly all the qualities that endear you to her daughter. If you are really feeling confident, a little mild flirting, isn't completely uncalled for either. Of course it isn't intended to be sexual in any way, but a simple line relating one of the mother's qualities to her daughter, is an easy way to grab attention.

Listen guys, it isn't easy. There will be nerves, you will be anxious. Unfortunately, these things are unavoidable, but if you handle yourself well, they will quickly dissipate. Relate yourself to the father, and be charming with the mother. The relationship with the parents is one that is always in flux, and must be handled accordingly. Stay on your game, and don't lose focus. If you want the girl, her parents must be in your court.

Moral Dilemma

The other day, I was talking to Alex, and he was lamenting the fact that there were several girls he had met at a recent party that he could've hooked up with. I asked rather curiously why he hadn't made a move on any of them. He responded, "They were all drunker than I was. It just didn't feel right." It seems that at all parties, no matter the atmosphere, this type of thing always happens. Attractive girls become intoxicated (more than they probably should be) and they look to the closest semi-cute guy to get with. Now to be clear, Alex is certainly not just the average guy who gets lucky from time to time with the hot and yet very sloshed female. He is, and I say this in the most heterosexual way possible, very charming and outgoing. He thrives in social situations, and almost everyone likes him. That being said, I'm sure the girls that he was referring to were probably interested in him throughout the evening. Unfortunately, it took the alcy to give them the courage to go for it.

Setting Alex's case aside, there is really only one of two things a guy placed in this situation can do. They can either reject the girl, or they can hook up with her. It seems either way things could wind up poorly for the dude. If he rejects her, she will most likely be embarrassed, and avoid the guy in the future at all costs. If he hooks up with her, almost everyone at the party (at least all the other babes) will judge the bro for taking advantage of this particular girl. With this in mind, I began to think of ways that one can actually come out unscathed when faced with this situation. Yes, it is true, if you hook up with the girl, it could be one hell of a night. There is no denying that. However, more likely, it will be a disaster. Neither of you will probably be in any real state to gleam any sexual enjoyment out of the encounter, rendering it pretty much a waste. Really, hooking up with a girl that is drunker than you, isn't an option. That leaves us with simply rejecting her. After a lot of thought, I have realized that there is a way you can do this and not only look like a good guy to everyone at the party, but also still have a chance with the girl. (That is if you actually might like her.) The key is to let her down gently. Tell her that she isn't in the right state of mind, and that it has nothing to with her, but solely upon that her current state. Maybe even tell her that in most circumstances you would love to be with her. (It should be noted that using that line is a fairly gutsy play.) Do not make her feel rejected, make her feel like you are too nice of a guy and would feel uncomfortable with it. Hell, when she wakes up the next morning, she will probably thank you for it...and maybe the next time she comes to you she will be sober.

Ms. Mensa

When I came home from college and informed my main bros that I had a girlfriend, their reaction tended to be somewhat startled. Once regaining their composure, the conversation generally went like this:

bro: "You are in a relationship? Huh, I thought you were too much of a flirt for that."

me: "Well yah dude usually, but its different this time bro, and why not give it shot?"

bro: "So wait...this means you aren't gonna be hooking up with anymore babes?"

me: "Nah dude, trust me, she is more than good enough."

I generally like to keep my answers to their questions brief, and while the list of topics goes much deeper than the example I just gave, I felt it was important to give everyone a taste of what was discussed.

I met my girl in the beginning of November, and from the start I will admit I was quite taken with her. She's serbian, (an international student) and her looks were distinctive; she was striking compared to most american girls walking around campus. I was attracted to her instantly, (she has a high area code to say the least) and from our first conversation I detected an obvious and yet refined arrogance that she almost flaunted in front of me. Unlike most girls she saw right through my bullshit: she knew that at first all I wanted was a fling, and while I could tell she was interested, she was going to make me work for it. Finally, after several weeks of flirting back and forth, I finally broke through. Our first kiss was incredibly familiar. We were in sync, as if we had been together for years. At first, I chalked the easiness in which we seemed to kiss up to some sort of combination of sexual energy and tension. After all I thought, the first night we ended up in an academic building on campus; we must just be comfortable with each other.

For a few days I was able to ignore the feelings that I was obviously starting to feel for this Serbian babe. I told myself that it was fine to like her, and that I just needed to avoid falling hard. My plan didn't last long. We started spending time together, and with it, we started to actually talk. Our conversations, once filled with flirting and not much else, turned down a different path. The flirting, and sexual energy was still there, but something else had arrived too: real conversation. As we talked we began to learn things about one another. She is incredibly intelligent: She speaks several languages, her IQ is 158, which qualifies her as a Mensa Member, and she is very driven. She admitted to me that a lot of guys are intimidated by her obvious intelligence, and while I understood that, I found that it was having the opposite effect on me. Oddly, I found it attractive. I had been with so many vapid girls obsessed only with being attractive, and here I was with a girl that not only was incredibly attractive, but someone who challenged me intellectually. Apart from that, she revealed herself as being quite "bro." She loved the idea of the area code game when I introduced it to her, and was not turned off in the least when she found out about my blog. On top of that, she started taking up the habit of pointing out hot babes for me to check out when we were together, often asking for their area code. To be quite honest, I was stunned.

Once I accepted the fact that I was falling for this girl, it took me a long time to convince her to trust me. She knew I was a flirt, and was convinced that my romantic lines were the same ones that I used on every girl. She once told me that I was too charming not to flirt with every new and attractive girl that I met. While I was frustrated by my inability to convince her, I respected it. She was smart and had no intention of being played. Of course, this was not my intention either, but she still had her doubts. Slowly, over time, I charmed her enough to convince her that I was very much into her. (She was right, sometimes I am too charming for my own good.)

My friends ask me what is different about this particular girl. While there are many responses I can give, there is one thing that stands out above the rest: she demanded my respect. Unlike most girls, she didn't immediately fall for my corny lines that I use on a regular basis. Instead, she made me dig deeper, and upon doing that I found feelings for her that I never expected. She motivated me romantically and intellectually in a way that I wasn't accustomed to. Neither of us know what to expect, and it keeps things fun and spontaneous. It makes sense, so why fight it?